Who are you to defy the power of penguin?
There may be as many as 100 million penguins in the world. That might not seem like a lot, but think about it. Could you fight off 10 angry penguins? Let alone 100 million? Whats more, if all penguins decided to swim simultaneously in a westerly direction, opposite the planetary rotation, would it not seize, causing ecological disaster beyond comprehension? There is indeed power in penguindom.
A single penguin can cause little damage. Although they have knees, hidden well beneath their feathered, plump bodies, theyre not very good runners and are disastrously ineffective hunters on land. An exception to this is the macaroni penguin, which can hop with both feet fairly gracefully. This doesnt make it a better hunter, but it looks fairly cool. Papers have been published that claim penguins are capable of dancing, but this has proven impossible to back up with reliable scientific data.
Though plentiful, penguins are threatened by oil spills, water pollution, and the over-harvesting of ocean fish. The horrible truth is, however, if penguins had hands, they would wield guns. They have no hatred for humans. On the other hand, they dont care much for us either. They also dont care much for conservation issues or the environment. They dispose of their waste more or less wherever they happen to stand, they wouldnt think twice about eating all the fish in the ocean if they could, and they have yet to hold a single peace rally. Tests seem to indicate that penguins are incredibly stupid they are claimed to be capable of only basic pavlovian training. However, nobody can completely rule out the possibility of this behaviour simply pertaining to the penguins being poorly motivated or just bored with their human teachers.
Bravery is laying your life in the limbs of a penguin. For most of us, it would be sheer folly. But the valiant sound engineers of Kaptein Kaliber are highly trained professionals who are used to the extreme stress involved in keeping penguins happy.
The duo emanates from Tromsø, the penguin capital of the world, in the far north of Norway. Through an amazing combination of talent, natural adaptation and years of studies, David and John of Kaptein Kaliber have developed a means of communicating with the strange creatures through the use of sonar pulses and a form of semaphore. They have quite possibly made revolutionary breakthroughs in their quest to understand the mysterious flightless birds.
However, both the penguins and the two humans have grown bored with this, and recently they have concentrated solely on their favourite pastime, making music.
Kaptein Kaliber have also pioneered a number of specially developed penguin marketing skills. These involve among other things a revolutionary form of inefficient, yet very time-consuming and labour-intensive marketing combined with a broad range of brand name Kaptein Kaliber merchandise. Most of which is unavailable at any given time.
They stage an annual festival, drawing crowds of several people. So far, they havent been able to find any other bands apart from themselves to fill out the bill. Theyve also toured extensively, their world tour 2000 saw them playing an exhausting grand total of two gigs on the same evening in Bergen. Its quite unique for any pop band to open and end their world tour in the same city, especially if its on the same night. Not that Kaptein Kaliber is a band. Theyre more of a cross-species communist collective.
2002 will se the penguins and their entourage of engineers touring extensively, very possibly in several different cities, although probably not playing different cities on the same night. They have indicated that they will play music while on stage, some of which will possibly slightly resemble the antics heard on the album «Pop Ultra» released April 2002 on Tellé Records.
Kaptein Kaliber have also started their own record company, interestingly enough called Kaptein Kaliber Records. So far they have released the Datarock EP "Demo/Greatest Hits", but more will come. World domination is perhaps only weeks away.
Give in to the awesome power that is penguin.
(words by lars ursin)